| The close to a year. |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | M. Ward- Poor Boy | ] |
Here we are yet again at the glimmering horizon of a new year and the crossroads it brings us all. This past year has been trying, and rewarding, reserved and yes, at times, tumultuous. I've learned a lot, I think. I learn people more now, than I used to. The storm that raged inside was quieted and I've given up on trying to be something I'm not. A lot of skin has been shed, I suppose you could say. I've made friends just as much as some friendships of mine have withered. I lament loss with a respect, now. Doing this has allowed me to cherish newness (and renewal) all the more. Well, without trying to wax too philosophical, I'm getting older and I realize that.
There are things we all must do.
...Consider the lilies of the god damn valley...
Free Tibet. |
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| Where does the time go? |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|06:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | They Might Be Giants -Don't Let's Start | ] |
Well, I up and had my birthday and didn't post fucking anything about it. Damn me!
I went out the night of the 4th and caroused a bit before drinking a heroic dose of Jagermeister and beer,
and went to a friend's house and fell ill. I woke up feeling groggy and wandered off to my house to change for work. Hurrah!
The 5th was pleasant. More so than the latter parts of the 4th. >_< My time with the BFD was spent feasting! My, did we feast! Food on your birthday always seems to taste better to me. Call me a loony.
I received plenty of txt messages, too! Everyone I had hoped would send me wellwishings, did just that. Yay! Friends!
I mused about my life, and how things have changed. I have a pretty jolly existence these days. I have enough to do that I can be choosy about how I spend my time. I look forward to seeing NIN in concert in Jacksonville soon! Travel is another option. Adventure is on the platter, now if I could only find my fork....
/Fin |
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| I never share anything great anymore... |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|06:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights | ] |
...so in an effort to make the world a little kinder a place, I found a song that made me smile.
The song itself is from a group called Postal Service, although I enjoy Iron and Wine's interpretation.
It goes:
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
And that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home
They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...
I really thought it was pretty when I first heard it months ago, but it came to my attention again recently. ^^
I've regained some formerly defunct friendships. More on that later...
Corey |
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| Like a ghost so fleeting... |
[Sep. 7th, 2005|10:24 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Simon and Garfunkle -The only living boy in New York | ] |
I sit, staring at this computer screen, like I've done for weeks. Words come and vanish like ether. Impulses drive me to do my routines, but not much has changed. In less than a month I turn twenty four.
I am uncertain how I feel about growing older. There was a time when I cherished the thought of a birthday, for once, now I have this looming apprehension.
The world is falling apart. How many more volleys of hurricanes will smash the gulf coast? It's very nerve-wracking. I read these articles about New Orleans and I am painted a picture of a city under siege. The hurricane has done its damage, but now people prey on one another like beasts in the hopes of one more day alive. A day alive in what? Sewage-clogged roads? Isolation in what I can only imagine to be ungodly heat and putrid air? What little pity I have in my heart aches for those innocents in the city.
I met up with Rome this weekend. It's good to be with friends. I miss the fellowship.
Tonight I received a phone call from someone that I havn't heard anything out of in a long time. I almost didn't know what to say, but the words came to me. We picked up where we had left off. I am glad to hear they are doing ok. I was glad to report that many things have improved for me. Except that I am bored. Except that I am a god damned shut-in. Except that I'm really apathetic. Besides those things, I am improved.
I play a game where I interact with Japanese players...I've met some very nice Japanese people. Tonight I met with the assholes. There isn't a need to be nasty to me because I am from North America. -I- didn't bomb their country. I don't see why they need to give -me- attitude.
I'm out. |
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| ...and so it is... |
[Aug. 22nd, 2005|05:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | good | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Decemberists- Los Angeles, I'm yours. | ] |
This is my post.
There isn't any bitching.
There isn't any rancor.
Heh, and there isn't a single comment, either.
There won't be.
I'm considering keeping the comments off.
Well, I guess friends can comment...seems fair to me.
That's everything interesting I have to say for now, time to go work with the band on a tertiary basis!
::waves:: |
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| Because I will always have the last word. |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|08:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | NIN- Hand that feeds | ] |
Calmer, cooler, and ultimately utterly sick of the whole mess, I shall put the final nail in this coffin and heave it over into the ditch from which it originally came.
Tool? Unlikely. Pissed? Sure, that happens. Indignant that anyone would dare be absurd enough to challenge my emotions on the situation and act like I don't know what I am talking about? Immeasurably.
Like Jon unfortunately inarticulately pointed out in his hasty reply of the last post, there is a lot more here on the table than most of you will ever see because you are sold a version of the truth or spun a particular yarn. To point out the bullshit that I have had to endure would be libelous and damaging. Had I tried on numerous occasions to set things straight? You better believe that I did. Had I been working on that most recently? Surely. More than anything, I have felt lied to. Let it also be said I have closed my ears to explanations and want no more of this out of any of you heathens. You bring it to my journal, and it will vanish. I've saved you all the trouble of having to hear my story
and not that any of you would listen because you all have in in your minds how -I- am and how -I- behave.
You'd be sorely mistaken to assume too much about me. There is more beyond the surface than many of you will ever have the privilege of knowing and if you ask any of my long-time friends they might be able to paint you a colorful, if somewhat inaccurate picture.
I am mostly private in nature until you step into my proverbial business. If I came around messing with your relationship that was trying to mend (or so I had understood) and messed it up, you'd be a little shocked and injured too.
So, please, make an end to this childish bantering because much like Jonboy, I detest baseball and will not allow anyone to brow-beat me on my home turf. For the savants that you all claim to be, (and I am avoiding names here because I shant give too much credit...) I find you high-minded folk amusing that you would be angry and my anger. I'm glad I could make you feel something.
Now, if you will all excuse me, I have a function to attend...oh, what's that you say? Nothing? That's ok because there won't be any comments. Buh-bye! |
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| HEY YOU |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|07:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | FURIOUS | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Powerman 5000 -When Worlds Collide | ] |
HEY DIPSHIT.
Good job stealing my fucking girlfriend, asshole. Now you can deal with the girl that a week ago called you a "flake." Nice choice asking her to marry you -- I hope you enjoy that one. You want to settle this post up? Box me, bitch.
C. |
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| Area Boy Hit By a God Damned Train |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|06:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Johnny Cash- I've been everywhere | ] |
IDIOT!
I read an article in the newspaper today about how some local kid (17 years old) and his buddies went on a camping trip over the weekend and they decided to set up right next to a fucking set of train tracks.
PLEASE!
How stupid can you get? I got one for ya. Tie a bottle rocket to your head and see if you go for a trip into space. Everyone in his church is mourning this "Deeply Spiritual teen" that "Loved nature."
FUCKING MORON!
I mean, maybe they were too busy sucking each other off or something...I don't know...maybe they were smoking some mondo killer shit...either way, I find this kind of accident, which is clearly avoidable,
more amusing than tragic. I find it tragic only because it is the kind of thing relegated to imbeciles.
NOT JUST ONE!
This is the second train related death in July for Pensacola. The other one was some 40 year old fat-ass hanging around on the tracks with buddies, spouses and miscellaneous cadavers, sipping Mimosas on the 4th. The Paper says they were trying to watch the fireworks. I think they were busy trying to figure out how to get their feet stuck in the tracks to best illustrate how not to live.
STEP RIGHT UP!
I'm just waiting on more people to start noticing the novelty in such a gruesome end. Maybe we can get someone to start performing abortions on railroad tracks, that would draw a lot of pro-lifers...
-Fin |
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| This isn't even what I had planned to write. |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|10:49 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  productive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jonathan Edwards- Sunshine | ] |
I had planned to write a hearty diatribe on why ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends need not have any interaction, but I changed my mind. I was several paragraphs in and realized that no one would be able to understand why I was saying the things I was saying, people would start picketing on my front lawn,
and I'd just have to shoot them all.
SO...
...to avoid such complications, I will simply write of something else.
Because of my recent battle with sickness and my increasingly bad back, I went to seek medical help.
I was given some medicines and some advice on stretches to do that will strengthen my weakened muscles.
I want to be able to run again. I'm finished feeling like an old man when I am twenty-three years of age.
I call for a second end to The Age of Bullshit!
That aside, I have managed to root out most of the problems in my life. People that are awash in a sea of misery and drama are removed like tweezed eyelashes. I mean, do I look like The Christ? I can't help these people! You gotta be able to help your damn self.
I really want some country fried steak and gravy, but I know I won't get any. (I'm working on this waistline)
-Fin |
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| Go North-West Young Man! |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|12:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Foreigner - Urgent | ] |
I picked up all my basic equipment and crammed my car to the gills.
The past two days at work had been hectic ones; not the kind you need before having to leave town because of a disaster. We had finished covering the last ditch, in hopes that the sewers would not float, only to find a balmy summer's evening with a radiant sunset awaiting us. My parents, naturally, were franticly scrambling about the house securing everything they could at this, the last minute. There was no ambivalence in my efforts to leave Pensacola. The promise I made to myself to leave should another serious one arrive held true. I drove my cargo-laden Honda to Jon's house to meet with he and his girlfriend, Morgan. There were an unusual number of fireworks over at Jon's house despite the 4th being said and done. That is to say, people were yelling and cursing like never before. Empty threats.
We set out on a journey borne of fear and still, excitement. Arkansas seemed perfect for us to seek shelter in. Nestled high in the mountains, far from the boiling seas, Russelville called to us. We pressed on through the night, driving by desperate faces in the beginning and later, looks of blessed ingorance.
During the night, a police officer pulled me over to remind me that my headlight was out. Note that this was the first time in almost three months anyone has uttered a breath about it. The officer excused us on the principle of our flight. "Take care," he said as he walked back to his sedan.
It was 11:30 saturday when our crew finally arrived in Russelville, but not before being dive-bombed by a friendly crop-duster. Gee wizz. We all shuffled into Rome's house since he was nice enough to put us up for our time as refugees. I think five minutes inside the place and everyone was dead-alseep. The trip was tiring, stressful, and long. Still, I feel the choice was well made to leave. I hear tell from my parents that the house has a tree on the roof. Splendid. I only wonder what that might mean in terms of the livability of the house.
Bah! No more hurricanes! |
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| ::deep, maniacal, throaty laugh:: |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|12:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nine Inch Nails- Only | ] |
So I am back in the states from my journey to Cozumel. I have sailed the Gulf of Mexico from one side to the other and back again. I have seen people I will never see again. I have snorkeled in gin-clear waters with fish larger than my torso. I have consumed illegal quantities of margaritas.
I have said what I meant to say. The game is ended. Let this serve as a bulletin:
I am my own man.
The things of the past are just that. Gone. What I have now is a present that I can use to build myself a better future. My finances are falling into place just the way I wanted them to. I have savings and investments. My credit is on the rise.
No one tells me shit.
I do what I want when I want and with whom I choose.
The things that used to irk me, don't really matter to me anymore.
I am indomitable. |
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| For me, I make no apologies. |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|11:31 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Third Eye Blind- Burning Man | ] |
In response to the last post, wherein I stated that I was angry, I have the following to say:
Anger is quite natural.
So what if I had a bad day, was pissed off, or felt trapped. I don't recall naming any names or pointing any fingers. I could have been talking about anything or anybody!
If you are a friend, you can discern for yourself if it was meant for you. Chances are you didn't need to even think about being offended by it.
!!!!!!EXPRESSION EXPRESSION EXPRESSION!!!!!!
I will not be censored.
My thoughts, my passion, my hatred, my voice, my Journal. |
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| Fire at will! |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|05:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tool -Hooker with a penis | ] |
My best efforts to remain stalwart and firm in my mode of, "happiness-or-the-best-alternative" seem to be faltering. Again, I exhume the corpse of a prior life, though this time, it is only to look at it. The ghosts howl at me without ceasing, and I, foolishly answer. It drives me a slow, soothing, kind of mad.
The kind of mad where you cravenly stare into the mirror and ask yourself: What the fuck am I thinking?
There are so many people floating in, out, and around my life right now it drives me mad. I divide my time in a million pieces and the line for hand-outs still stretches a million heads more.
"Corey," they say excitedly "I miss 'The Bear'." God damn it, I've got a bear to show them alright!
Hardly anything brings any inkling of a smile to my face lately. If it does, it doesn't last for long. I am bored watching movies, I am bored smoking pot, I am bored thinking of fucking though I do not fuck anymore, I am bored making money; I am bored with meeting incapable people and by 'incapable' I mean they have no souls! I am bored listening to apologies, I am bored with people telling me how great I am when they don't know how fractured I am. I am bored with traveling, eating, drinking, computer games, everything.
Everything except my music. Even that is a stretch though.
I want to be in love again, in love with anything! Life! Life, for God's sake! I used to be a happy little boy, one with a bright and promising future. They told me how great things were going to be, how smart I was, or how talented. NOTHING HAS COME OF IT. No fulfillment of prophecy in my life! Just hurdles of bullshit lined up one right after the other.
Being Scottish means the Almighty gave us spirits, otherwise our misfortune would crush us and wipe us from the face of the Earth.
"Being Scottish is shite."
Fuck off. |
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| ::wry smile:: |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|02:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Primitive Radio Gods- Standing outside a phone booth | ] |
I'm feeling pretty good. I am. I've been having a lot of fun lately. What a change that is.
Not long ago I was batling with misery, but now...a little effort in the right directions has yielded positive results.
I'm proud of myself. I refused to collapse and break and I havn't faltered.
Strength courses through my veins.
::triumphant laughter:: |
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| I have returned. |
[May. 30th, 2005|09:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sublime- Smoke two joints | ] |
Ok, ok, I give. I actually got back to Pensacola yesterday around 7 a.m.
I had fun.
Synopsis: The trip began last monday around 3 p.m. when we (Jon and I) left Pensacola bound for Arkansas.
The journey up was very nice, but unmemorable. Mostly because we were smoking the ganja. It took
us about ten hours total to get to where we were going. We greeted our friends, and afterward
went to the house to smoke yet more green and play video games. Lather, rise, repeat.
I think I smoked about six blunts a day. I felt like Snoop, or Dre. Essentially, the whole week
was carefree and easy. I so badly needed some relaxation, it wasn't funny. I played some of the
finest Halo 2 games I have ever played up there. I stomped substantial ass.
The Wedding, which was the original reason for going, was lovely. Everything went (from my blind
perspective) extremely well. Everyone looked great, did what they were supposed to, and drank a
lot of champagne.
Of setbacks, we had few. The ride home being one of them. It rained SO hard on the way back I
pulled off to the side of the road twice. It was coming down in sheets and buckets and interstate
traffic slowed down to 25 mph! There was also a semi that went off the road...I don't think the
driver made it through. In conclusion, we rolled into Pensacola about 7 in the morning and fell
straight to sleep.
I feel like I have left something behind though...
...Oh yeah, friends... |
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| Heh... |
[May. 22nd, 2005|09:45 pm] |
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|
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| So... |
[May. 19th, 2005|11:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Motherfucking Wonderful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Interpol- Evil | ] |
I went to the midnight showing of Star Wars last night. I did in fact dress up like Obi-Wan.
I'm leaving. I plan to be gone a week. If it takes any longer than that, I must be either dead or happy.
Smoke ya'll later. |
|
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2005|12:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Tori Amos - A Sorta Fairytale | ] |
It's been a few days. It feels like centuries have passed and like I have no identity. I feel hollow, but another kind of uneasiness was traded for my old kind this past sunday. It is really hard to describe what I am feeling. Pain. Relief. Agony. Satisfaction. Sorrow. Confusion. Clarity.
The huge internal debate is, "have made the right choice?"
The dilemma is that I do not have an answer, only half-clouded assumptions of what is right and wrong.
I lost my patience. I put an axe to a tree. I still feel love. I probably always will.
In the beginning, when it was fresh, it was a dream come true. I wanted it for -five- years. I bided my time and I waited. I watched silently as others came and went. I said nothing. I wasted my time with others in lieu of my desire. In time, my patience paid off and the world was a beautiful place to live. I was in love. Paradise was mine. I reveled in my triumph but after months, I had to resume waiting. More and more I waited...recently...I have waited. I broke sunday.
It was the disillusionment. I wanted to be happy. I did. I never sought it from anyone else. This was my passion. It didn't work.
I am sad mostly because I invested myself and it -failed-. I can be happy that I -was- able to invest myself.
I loved. I love. I will love.
I will carry a piece of this with me forever.
As a tribute, I raise a glass...to You.
I think it far better to have only tasted success than to have dined on failure. |
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| My Fault |
[May. 5th, 2005|03:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Disposition Of- My Fault | ] |
My Fault
Clouded over are my eyes
seeing barely through the haze
and I'm just a little disappointed
and I'm saddened by my childish ways
In my face and down it goes
until my mood is shot by my unperceived slight
but you see it clearly
you see it clearly
Crawling weakly through my mind
trying desperately to find
a release from fatal guilt
drags me under every time
In my face and down it goes
until my mood is shot by my unperceived slight
but you see it clearly
you see it clearly
Clearly clouded and down I go
riding on the wings of ignorance and blind hostility
completely unaware, completely useless
to the point where sorry doesn't matter
I feel disconnected
like home is far away
when that look crosses me over
my spirit sank today
I feel separated
in the face of disarray
damn, I feel so helpless
when you're pushing me away.
(Lyrics by Corey Pendleton, music courtesy of Jon Deale)
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|
| I wrote this for times like these: |
[May. 1st, 2005|08:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exanimate | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Disposition Of- Winter | ] |
Winter
Sitting alone outside,
It's cold where I'm at.
Stepping around the corner,
Mistress of Eternal Frost
Chilling my already frozen form,
Willing me to silent sit.
Unable to resist your touch,
Staring into me with your icy spheres.
Touch my soul and find out,
Why I sit alone so patiently,
Awaiting approval,
You approve for me
To wait....to wait....
Is today tomorrow,
In yesterday's fucked up paradigm?
Torturing my senses,
With words beyond my reach.
Honestly without
Insincerity within
Skin broken
Cold throughout
The truth is all I ever wanted from you
Without the courage to leave this place behind
Building with Love and tearing down with Hate
Searching for a way to find my escape.
Wandering amongst myself
Ripping away from the bonds
I open my eyes
Freedom in sight
Hoping I will know these fears
They fade...the lies remain
...and I still remember....
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